Family Purity All chapters

Chapter 4

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder (Harchakos)

By Rabbi Fishel Jacobs · Last updated

The Torah separated the husband and wife during the time of her impurity in order to make her as desirable to him as the day of their wedding. Niddah 31:b

The idea of no physical contact for at least twelve days a month is perhaps the one aspect within the Jewish marriage cycle which has most captured the public’s attention. In fact, half of the month, except during pregnancy, or after menopause, we aren’t allowed physical contact. Other areas of our behavior are limited as well.

Newlyweds

If you are a couple preparing for marriage, you may have mixed emotions regarding this subject. You are anxiously preparing for marriage. The most marked difference between prior to and following the wedding night is that afterwards physical contact is allowed. This itself entails a sense of excitement. Yet along with this comes the abrupt awareness that during married life this will be limited to only half of any given month except, of course, in the case of pregnancy. Experience has shown that people become accustomed to these days. What may have seemed a long time at the beginning of marriage adopts much smaller proportions later on.

Review following Childbirth

During pregnancy menstrual bleeding ceases. During these months the rules governing separation are not in force (except in special cases involving spotting and the like). Therefore it is very important that following childbirth the couple review these laws.

Studying Together

Studying the laws of separation together1Not from the same book, Shiurei Shevet HaLevy on Mehaber 195:2. is, for a number of reasons, recommended. These laws, in particular, are addressed to both the wife and the husband. Jointly reviewing them will ensure that their knowledge is on par. This can reduce misunderstanding and hurt feelings. Misunderstandings on details in law can be cleared up together, leaving less room for mistakes.

To the Wife

During this time, you should attempt to lighten your husband’s responsibility by dressing appropriately. This is not the time to dress up. Although you needn’t dress unattractively you should bear in mind the effect your attire has on your husband and act accordingly.

Perfume should be reduced or eliminated if possible.

For those conscious of fashion or their contemporaries’ opinions, this may be a personal trial. But conscious effort should be invested in helping your husband wait for the time when you will again be permitted to him.

To the Husband

You should be aware of your wife’s feelings during this time. It sometimes happens that the wife feels “at fault” for the present situation. You should try to negate that feeling or at least not nurture it. The forbidden times are designed by the Al-mighty as part of the marriage cycle.

To Husband and Wife

The times when physical contact is forbidden should be seen as essentially a time of replenishing. Any experience, when available on a constant basis, becomes bland. The best summer vacation will, after time, drag on, the newest car becomes uninteresting and taken for granted, and marriage is no different. A famous Rabbi once wrote that the on-again off-again nature of the Jewish couple is, in fact, the cementing element ensuring a refreshing, wholesome atmosphere between the couple—“as a newlywed couple on a monthly basis2Siddur Beis Yakov..”

Not only is there a benefit following the forbidden time, but also during this time one can strive to relate on a higher plane. The absence of physical relations is a perfect opportunity for increased verbal communication. This is a time when many couples rediscover deeper levels of communication, working out family problems and the like.

The laws of separation are in force whether in the days of menstruation or in the seven white days and there is no difference whether she is a niddah due to having a period or finding a stain.

Shulchan Aruch 195:14

Background

The Talmudic Rabbis forbade being alone with members of the opposite sex with whom marital relations are forbidden and the punishment for willing transgression, i.e., intercourse, is excision; for example, one’s daughter-in-law or sister-in-law. This prohibition, called yichud, was designed to ensure modest and proper behavior3Note: yichud with any woman is likewise forbidden, except a man with his daughter and a woman with her son, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 152:1..

Relations with one’s spouse during the time of are forbidden and the scriptural punishment is excision. Yichud should, therefore, have fallen into their legislation. However, due to practical considerations and obvious limitations, the prohibition of yichud was not extended to one’s wife.

Since the Rabbis allowed this closeness between husband and wife as an exception to the above rule, they saw the necessity to limit contact in a wide spectrum of other areas. These areas are explained in this chapter.

For a husband and wife to be alone, yichud, while the wife is niddah, two conditions must have been met. First they must have had completed marital relations at least once and second, there must be a time when she will be permissible to him again. The reason is that since they have already had relations and the present niddah state is only temporary, the couple will tend to be more relaxed and will more easily refrain from forbidden relations4Tzemach Tzedek 195:1.. An example where the first condition is lacking: they married while the bride was a niddah5Or she became niddah before they had marital relations, Mehaber 192:4.. An example of the second condition lacking: the wife having a skin disease which precluded her going to the mikveh.

General

The laws of separation are identical regardless of whether the reason for the wife’s present state of niddah is biblical (e.g. menstruation) or rabbinic (e.g. finding a stain) in origin6Mehaber and Tzemach Tzedek 195:14..

Likewise, the laws of separation are equally strict both in the five day time period (see Chapter Five) and in the seven white days7Mehaber and Tzemach Tzedek 195:14. (see Chapter Six). Furthermore, as long as the wife hasn’t immersed in a mikveh, all of the laws of separation must be followed, even if many years8Mehaber 195:1. Be’er Eliyahu on Sugah Beshoshonim 1:1. have gone by since her last menstrual cycle.

The wife follows the laws of separation from the moment she realizes her change of status; her husband starts from the moment she notifies him, either explicitly, or through her actions9Sugah Beshoshonim 2:19..

A couple, while in the company of other people, is not permitted to be lenient in the laws of separation for the sake of keeping the wife’s niddah state a secret10Shach 195:17, Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah (2) section 77..

Even if a couple is sure that leniency in these matters will not create any additional feelings of intimacy they are, nevertheless, forbidden to be lenient11Poskim, see Sefer Hachinuch Mitzvah 188..

It is praiseworthy to be extra cautious in matters of separation12Tzemach Tzedek 195:5, Sidrei Tahara 195:4.. It is, however, not recommended to create new stringencies which are not already recorded in codes of Jewish law13Tahara Kehalacha 14:3..

The husband may not act leniently in any of these laws in order to persuade his wife to immerse in the mikveh, for example if there is tension or disharmony between them14Poskim, see Shach 195:17..

Physical Contact

The following actions are forbidden during this time of separation:

There are also some opinions that non-affectionate contact is also forbidden from the Torah19Beit Shmuel Even Haezer 20:1, Shach 195:20..

This is only when there is an immediate need and no one else is available33Darchei Teshuva 195:7, Bodei Hashulchan 195:16.. The following actions are permissible:

Touching Through Clothing

The prohibition of touching includes not touching one another’s clothing while it is being worn. This includes parts of the garments which extend from the body, such as a long dress35Darchei Teshuva 195:6, Pischei Teshuva 195:3..

They should also be careful that their clothes don’t touch36Aruch Hashulchan, see Bodei Hashulchan 195:15.. Similarly, the blankets, covering them (which halachically are likened to clothing) may not come into contact37Darchei Teshuva 195:33..

It is permissible however, for the husband to touch his wife’s clothing while she is not wearing it or her bed sheets, even if they are soiled with niddah blood38Taz 195:6..

Beds—distance/making/sitting

They may not sleep or lie39Bodei Hashulchan 195:102., even while fully clothed in the same bed even if it is very wide and each has his/her own pillows, blankets etc40Mehaber, Ramo 195:6.. Furthermore, it is forbidden to sleep or lie41Tzemach Tzedek 195:6. in separate touching beds42Ramo and Tzemach Tzedek 195:6..

The beds must be sufficiently distanced43“A large distance is required between two parallel beds,” Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 153:8. A yard has been quoted, Shiurei Shevet HaLevy. as to ensure that neither they44Bodei Hashulchan 195:109. nor their blankets45See previous footnote. come to inadvertently touch one another during the night46Shiurei Shevet HaLevy and Ramo 195:6.. It is advisable to place a nighttable between the beds, if possible47Shiurei Shevet HaLevy on Ramo 195:6.. The beds may not be connected by a common headboard48Bodei Hashulchan 195:107..

She is not allowed to spread his bed sheets or blankets while he is watching49Tzemach Tzedek 195:11., and vice versa50Chochmas Adam.. To change the pillow or blanket covers is permitted51Tzemach Tzedek 195:11.. The former is forbidden since it may arouse intimacy; the latter is deemed a more mundane act.

He may not sit on her bed even when she is not present52Mehaber 195:5.. She may sit on his bed if he is not on it, but may not lie on it in his presence53Taz 195:6..

Preparing Water

In his presence, she may not bring even cold water, for him to wash his hands, face, or feet54Mehaber 195:12.. While not in his presence, or if he turns his head55Bodei Hashulchan 195:154, poskim., this is allowed56Bach, poskim..

She is allowed to prepare water for the sake of a mitzvah, for example negel vaser in the morning, to wash for bread and mayim achronim after the meal57Shiurei Shevet HaLevy 195:12.. This refers to the husband preparing water for his wife as well58Sefer Haeshkol Chapter 49..

Throwing

The following activities are forbidden during this time:

Eating Together

Since eating together can lead to intimacy, the Talmudic sages required some sort of reminder of the wife’s niddah state60Even when one of them is eating a food which the other cannot due to illness, Sugah Beshoshonim 4:26.. This is to ensure that they don’t come to share each other’s food directly, which could lead to untimely and unwanted affectionate physical contact.

There are two types of reminders: placing an object not usually on the table between them while eating and using different placemats.

The laws governing eating apply even:

A Reminder Between Them

When a reminder is required:

Note: The wife changing her seat from the normal place when she is pure is not a sufficient reminder70Tzemach Tzedek 195:3..

A reminder is not required:

Objects as Reminders. Placing an object between their plates72Mehaber, Ramo and Tzemach Tzedek 195:3. Note that some poskim write that the intention here is between them and not their plates, Bodei Hashulchan 195:38, Tahara Kehalacha 14:51 and Sugah Beshoshonim 4:36. allows the couple to eat at the same table73Tzemach Tzedek 195:3.. The following conditions apply:

Note that on Shabbos, in order not to arouse attention, it is possible to use the lechem mishnah instead of removing it from the table.

Separate Placemats as a Reminder

Eating on separate placemats, or one of them using a placemat and the other not is a sufficient reminder, as long as this is not their custom during the time when the wife is not in the niddah state82Tzemach Tzedek 195:3.. Folding the edge of the tablecloth and placing one of their plates on the table or on that folded part is a sufficient reminder83Tzemach Tzedek 195:3.. So too is one placing his/her plate on a napkin84Poskim..

Same Plate

Eating out of the same plate is forbidden even if other people are eating from it85Sugah Beshoshonim 4:4.. This includes not eating from the same bag86Sugah Beshoshonim 4:5., even one after the other.

The prohibition of eating from the same plate applies even when eating at a meal which is served due to a mitzvah87Sugah Beshoshonim 4:12..

This prohibition of eating out of the same plate, bowl, or bag is only when the food is consumed directly after it is removed from the vessel. For example, nuts, potato chips, french fries, techina and other dips. However, it is permissible when placed on their separate plates before being consumed. Examples are a few nuts, a few potato chips, pieces of meat, potatoes, salads, soups88Sugah Beshoshonim 4:6.. The fact that it is placed on their separate plates itself is considered a reminder.

Tasting food in a pot to see if it requires more salt or spices is not considered as eating from the same pot89Sugah Beshoshonim 4:11..

Cutting pieces off of a loaf of bread should be done as follows: they should each cut a piece off of the loaf and place it on their respective plates and then eat it from there. They should not cut off pieces and eat them directly90Sugah Beshoshonim 4:16..

The same should be done while eating a piece of watermelon91Sugah Beshoshonim 4:16.—placing the cut pieces on the table in front of them92Sugah Beshoshonim 4:18..

Eating out of separate compartments in the same serving tray, for example those used on airlines, is forbidden93Sugah Beshoshonim 4:4. Separation would not help.. However, if the food is in different containers sitting in the same serving tray, it is permissible, as long as a reminder is placed between them94Sugah Beshoshonim, Be’er Eliyahu 4:4. In this case it is preferable to place the reminding object between them on the hand rest. Caution should be exercised to keep them or their clothing from coming into contact..

Salt Shaker/dish

Consuming the Wife’s Leftover Food or Drink

The husband is permitted to consume the wife’s leftover food or drink if at least one of the following conditions exists:

These ‘reminders’ break the intimacy inherent in a husband partaking of his wife’s food.

The above prohibitions only apply to food and drink, not other things like toothpaste108Bodei Hashulchan 195:51., soap, shoe polish, and shampoo109Pischei Teshuva 195:6, poskim..

Pieces of food in the wife’s plate that she didn’t partake of may be eaten by the husband. For example, if she tasted one of two pieces of fish110Taz 195:2. Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah (1) section 91. Bodei Hashulchan 195:51. the husband may eat the second piece.

The husband is permitted to consume food or drink tasted by his wife to check for spice, taste, heat, or if cooked sufficiently111Bodei Hashulchan 195:54, Sugah Beshoshonim 6:5. However, if she ate of these, even a little, he is forbidden..

The wife’s eating one type of food from her plate does not cause the remaining types to become prohibited to her husband112Sugah Beshoshonim 6:29. Gefen Porioh 2:8..

If the wife cut a piece off a loaf of bread the husband is permitted to eat the remainder. However, he is forbidden to finish her slice of bread or individual roll113Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah (1) section 92. Bodei Hashulchan 195:51. Gefen Porioh 2:8..

The wife is permitted to finish the husband’s leftover food or drink114Tzemach Tzedek 195:4..

Serving Food or Drinks

When placing food or drink other than water in front of the husband, she must do so in a different way from the norm; this is called a shinui. This is done by placing it with the left hand on the table or placing it not directly in front of him115Sugah Beshoshonim 5:3, Tzemach Tzedek 195:10..

Someone left handed uses their right hand116Poskim..

Fragrance

The following actions are forbidden:

The following is permissible:

Singing

Fire

It is forbidden for the husband to use a flame held by his wife to light a cigarette or a candle or to warm himself137Pischei Teshuva 195:3, Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah (2) section 83, Bodei Hashulchan 195:25..

However, he is permitted to say the blessing on the havdala candle she is holding138Sugah Beshoshonim 19:6, Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah (2) section 83, Bodei Hashulchan 195:25..

Jesting and Speaking

They must eliminate conversation or behavior suggestive of intimacy.

Conversation dealing with daily affairs, such as running the household, is permitted139Tzemach Tzedek 195:1.. They may not study together from the same book, perchance they come to touch140Shiurei Shevet HaLevy on 195:2..

Traveling

They are not permitted to travel together, even when accompanied by other people141Bodei Hashulchan 195:94., if the purpose of the trip is the enjoyment of the excursion itself. Travelling somewhere for another purpose (for example to visit friends or relatives142Sugah Beshoshonim 22:4.) is permitted143Ramo 195:5..

If traveling on a bus, they may not sit in adjoining seats. This is to avoid contact between them or their clothing on unexpected sharp turns.

If travelling on a plane with adjoining seats, extreme caution must be exercised against contact between them or their clothing. It is preferable to arrange seating on two sides of the aisle, if possible144“As long as they sit in such a way that they do not come into contact,” Ramo 195:5. Note, as brought earlier, that even their clothing is not permitted to come into contact. See Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah (2) section 83, “In an automobile they can sit only under the condition that they will not come into contact through its movement, for example, he in the front seat and she in the back or vice versa.”.

They are not permitted to take outdoor hikes in the mountains or gardens or foot excursions together145These situations are conducive to untimely intimacy, Gefen Porioh 2:14 see footnote 52. Sugah Beshoshonim 22:4 in Be’er Eliyahu. unless in the company of others146Shiurei Shevet HaLevy on 195:5.. To take a walk together, however, is permitted147Shiurei Shevet HaLevy on 195:5, Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah (2) section 83..

Gifts

It is preferable to refrain from giving the wife a present during her forbidden times148See Tahara Kehalacha 14:100 and footnotes there.. There is room for leniency149Bodei Hashulchan 195:10, Shiurei Shevet HaLevy on 195:2, Gefen Porioh 2:11 and Sugah Beshoshonim 23:5., however, regarding gifts not of an intimate nature150Shiurei Shevet HaLevy on 195:2., when bad feelings could result. He is permitted to bring flowers home in honor of Shabbos151Shiurei Shevet HaLevy on 195:2..

Gazing at the Wife

Looking152Intentional gazing is certainly forbidden. Some poskim suggest that the prohibition might extend to unintentional as well, see Bodei Hashulchan on Mehaber 195:7 in Beorim. The distinction, however is very fine. “Regarding those places on her body which are normally kept covered, although it may well be that there is a distinction between inadvertently seeing them and intentionally gazing at them, nonetheless this distinction is hard to make. The difference is hair-splitting fine,” Shiurei Shevet HaLevy on 195:7. at places on the wife’s body which are normally covered is forbidden153Mehaber 195:7. even when looking through thin garments, even in a mirror154Poskim, see also Mehaber Orach Chaim 75:5. Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah (2) section 75..

Those parts of the body which are normally covered are155See Orach Chaim 75:1.:

During this time, the wife should be careful about walking in the home with her legs exposed, i.e. without socks, or sleeping with her bare legs exposed at night, and should exercise modesty while nursing the baby159Tahara Kehalacha 14:22, Kvuda Bas Melech 2:1..

The husband should minimize his gazing at permissible places if this creates feelings of intimacy160Ramo and Tzemach Tzedek 195:7..

In order for the wife to maintain her personal beauty and dignity, the sages permitted her to use makeup sparingly during this time161Mehaber 195:9.. However, she should minimize this as much as possible162Tzemach Tzedek 195:9..

Sickness

If the husband is ill she is allowed to help him recline and get up, to pass things directly to him, to tie and untie his shoe laces and to pour his drink for him. This is on condition that no one else is available to do so163Tzemach Tzedek 195:15..

If possible, she should perform these with a change from the norm (shinui). Likewise, if possible, she should attempt to refrain from washing him and making his bed in his presence164Tzemach Tzedek 195:15..

If she is sick, he is forbidden to touch her unless there is no one else available to do so and she needs it urgently165His assisting her is more strict, since when he is ill his yetzer is more dormant, Tzemach Tzedek 196:16..